Random Thoughts of 2007 going 2008

Of all the things I say I can do, can I truly and honestly love you? I know it would be hard to say I don’t, especially after everything you and I have gone through. Would it be cruel to say I want out? Or even torturous to say I want in? I know in my heart I want you, but I don’t know your heart’s desire. I try and try to see the truth, but yet the truth eludes me. I try and try to see your love, but that thing called love hides from me. I want to see the good in you, but I find it massively hard.

And in the end, the answer to this question would answer my plea: Do you want me forever or do you want me for right now only? Will you leave me, or in the end will it be I who leaves you? Whatever the outcome, I want to live for this moment; the moment I have you in my arms. I never want it to end, but it might. Not because I wish for it but because I have to.

Duty to my family has made me think so otherwise. Other than that, if I were free to choose, I would have both you and them. But how can one as young as me choose between family and romance? Family has been there for me since the beginning of time. You have been there for me since the day we first met. How to choose? It is a war between duty; duty to my heart or duty to tradition. Will I choose tradition? Or will I choose my heart? But no matter what I choose I will get heart-broken in the end. By choosing you, I tear my family’s heart, which is also my heart. By choosing them, I break yours…which I am also a part of now.

But why? Why must it come to this conclusion? To the point where I have to choose between both of my greatest loves? I don’t wish to choose…but I know I must. I just don’t know how. This is a decision even more painful than that of one girl who has to choose between two loves. Whichever one I choose, I would be forced to leave the other. I don’t want that to happen. But can I reach a compromise? Can I learn to create a bridge between both of those treasured wants?

The choice has been made: a compromise has been reached. My parents have learned to realize that their actions were wrong and that my actions of rebellion were a must. But that is just a taste of fantasy. But yet I have made my choice, and now I must flee. I have chosen the obligation to my heart, and for that reason I must pay. I am now alone in the world, with only my love for you to keep me warm.

But you left. You left me cold and alone. It might take years for me to trust, more especially to love. I asked you to stay, but you go. I knew that this wouldn’t last a lifetime, but I chose to believe you. I was wrong. My family was right, and I can’t go back to them, for they will surely ridicule me. I chose you, and you didn’t even notice that sacrifice. You just let me drown in my own sea of darkness, even though you promised you would take the plunge with me.

So this is where our story ends? With you and my world disappearing in the darkness, while I try to salvage the pieces?

The pieces have been salvaged. I found a new love. Someone who has stayed. And I think I can finally be able to let you go. I might have already. So tell me, why is that you still haunt me? Every time I see him, I see you. It is a sad compromise. I want to see him. But you still linger in my memories. Perhaps someday you will flee from the inner coursings of my mind. Perhaps you might linger in my mind forever. If you do, then maybe I can find peace. Or will you stay always a horror image in my mind?

It’s been a year my love. A long year from that fated first kiss, to that fated dismiss. So tell me, have you changed at all in your loving? I have watched you change from the person I loved to the person I despise the most. Yet, I can’t bear to let myself hate you. Not now, not ever. Forgive me for loving someone else, even though there’s nothing to forgive. You left me remember?

This is good-bye to a forgotten era, an era only I remembered anyway. So good-bye my love. Take care of yourself, take care of your new girl. Don’t hurt her like you did me, nor don’t you love her too much. Too much love can suffocate someone, and even though it would suffocate someone…love is a precious thing. Don’t waste it.

I’m sending this to you, I know it’s pointless. You’d never get it anyway. But might as well get the advice, though I doubt you’d heed it anyway.

beautiful